"you little swine" | uptheworkers

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

“Uncle Frank is a cross dresser” that’s what mum told dad. I heard it quite clearly. Through the wall & down the stairs.

Personally I never understood this maybe it was because I was a young lad or just because my parents were mad as cheese.

I thought about Uncle Franks friends & wondered if they knew. I mean it couldn’t be right. Everybody liked Uncle Frank he was just so funny.

Not like Aunty Wart. Aunty Wart was Uncle Franks wife.


“Its Aunty Mavis” shouted mum. “Lots of people get warts when they get older”

“Not right on the end of their noses” I chirped back.


“Don’t you answer me back lad, wait till your dad gets home”.


That was bad karma. Being grassed up by mum was definitely bad karma. Not that mum was a soft touch. I mean any woman that could make Die Hard or the Matrix look easy had to be tough. Before I had even finished saying Aunty Wart she had cart wheeled out of the kitchen, double back flipped, sideways dived & landed a slap on my back. Nope! Mum was most definitely not to be tinkered with, but dad well he was a different kettle of sharks. If dad wasn’t gods brother he must have been god himself.

My dad had the following patents;


“Please don’t tell dad”

“I will”

“…..pleeeeease don’t tell him”

“I will”


“I am”



“Okay consider them done”

Half an hour, three sinks full of water & a small flood later the dishes were done.

“Look at my kitchen floor” screeched mum. Oh oh time to go. Door to dining room blocked, quick think fast. I sensed a back flip followed by a round house kick coming. Out into the back garden was my only sensible option. I moonwalk backwards (I actually invented it, as an escape method, not wacko. I just didn’t know it looked cool)

“You’ve got one hour” rasped the terminator. “Were going round to Aunty Mavis’s for your cousin Jimmy’s birthday every one will be there, so don’t get dirty or I‘ll wing you one“.

Outside sat on the garden wall in the safety of the real world I ponder whether to ask for Scalextric or an electric train set for Christmas. It is nearly as tough a decision as last years "Chopper" or "Chippa" bike contest. I actually didn’t get either.

“Its an action man” said dad.

“I know” I reply trying to sound disappointed in my best, my dog is dead & the end of the world is coming kinda voice.

“He’s got eagle eyes” clucked dad.

“He hasn’t” I replied with expert authority.

“Yes he has, you just swivel his head from side to side like this. See”!

STROOTH. Eyes roll, sigh. I think that was probably my first sigh. Apart from the time I realised that pooing in your shorts, without a nappy, in front of the other kids, whilst at nursery, without your mum there, was definitely not cool.

“Come & give your Aunty Mavis a kiss” said mum in a room packed full of hairy relatives.

‘Just get it over with’ I think to myself. ‘Don’t look at the wart. Don’t look at the wart’.

“He’s gone cross eyed, the daft bugger” yelled Aunty really big massive humungous wart on the end of her nose Mavis.

“Stop being silly” laughed mum in her ever so, I’m so embarrassed & wait till I get you on your own style.

“Aunty Mavis”? I enquire coyly.

“Yes dear”

“Has Uncle Frank lost weight”?

“No dear”.

“Does his suit still fit him”?

“Yes dear…..” said a baffled Aunty Mavis.

“Well why does he get angry when he’s getting dressed in the morning”?
In my minds eye I can see Uncle Frank getting dressed in front of the mirror, he pulls up his trousers only to discover they are too short or too tight. At this he looses his temper "Aaaarrgh look at the size of my bloody arse" he screams.

“What do you mean dear”? enquires Warty Mave.

“Well its just that mum said that he was a cross dresser”



I think I heard a shriek in between Aunty Mavis fainting & the rain starting.
Uncle Frank strides into the room.
"Who's for another drink then"?
"Hehehehehehehe" chirps Uncle Albert constructively as Gran almost swallows her dentures.

Smirks in the pub (6) Tact (0)


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