lost in crap nation | uptheworkers

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

“Bun elth hesh il soo hunesh ickma das blif zo bis reminash t’tirlmut oso il soo ormins efer do das blurf, elth hesh utu roff bir dolgon zo bis ulfrap nuti bir wintsh gosh il bir zo bis das blif United Nation‘s”

“What did he say Peeler, come on man”!

“Sir he said ‘good morning & thank you for allowing our small country to speak at the United Nation’s’ Sir”.

“That’s it, Peeler. That’s it. But it took him half an hour. Are you sure? Do I need to find another interpreter”?

“I am positive Colonel Blimley. I am also the only registered interpreter that can speak fluent Blingtigistanish, Sir”.

Colonel Horatio ‘pim pim’ Blimley, Tinglish Ambassador to the UN. His specialist field, ’s**t stirring'.

Since leaving the armed forces & after a short stint in MI6 I found myself working as an interpreter at the United Nations building in New Yodel which was just a short hop over the water from Old Yodel. Well when I say water I mean the Drywater River. When I say hop its not really a hop it’s more of a stroll across the bridge & when I say river it‘s more of a muddy canal.

New Yodel was built after the Great Pigeon Plague of 1895. The residents of Old Yodel were being bombarded with bird muck caused by a pigeon infestation which was mainly due to old Mrs Brinkle who continually fed foreign bread to the birds in the old square.

The miners, who had spent the day getting covered in honest coal dust from down below, would then find themselves getting covered in dodgy bird sh*te from up above as they walked home. This appeared to be a no win situation which they found very irritating & would often blow raspberry’s at Mrs Brinkle as they walked through the Old square. Mrs Brinkle in turn would give them the ’finger’ & shout “Up yours“.

This ritual went on & on, day in day out.


“Up yours”!


“Up yours”!

Constable Dollup found his Police Station constantly inundated with people complaining about the birds, the miners & Mrs Brinkle. Some people said that the bird muck was lucky. Constable Dullop didn’t think so. Not with all the s**t on his helmet.

So eventually the residents of the Old town became founders of the New Town, except of course Mrs Brinkle who was banned & Constable Dollup who rather enjoyed the sharp drop in the crime rate since everybody had moved over the mud. In fact he suspected he was in line for a promotion due to his exceptional work in clearing up the crime rate.

“Constable Dollup” said a young Inspector Blimley over the telephone.

“Yes Sir” answered Constable Dollup in a medium to well gloating manner, immediately standing to attention & closing his newspaper which had no headlines.

“Headquarters have just promoted you Constable, it’s due to your exceptional work in clearing up the crime rate over there. So you are being promoted to Sergeant of New Yodel as from Monday. Well done son”.

“No shit Sir” cried Old Constable Dollup of Old Yodel & now the New Sergeant of New Yodel.

“Pardon, Dollup”! said the Inspector.

“There will be no shit in New Yodel, sir”.

“That’s the Spirit Constable, I knew you were the right man for the job, zero tolerance that’s what we need”.

So very quickly New Yodel became the fastest growing city in the world.

except for the miners

Population 1372.
Pigeons 0

Read the sign at the end of New Street. & so New Yodel eventually became the home of the United Nations, well it was more to do with Inspector Blimley eventually becoming the Chief Commissioner of Tingland prior to becoming Colonel Blimley & on hearing that the UN was going to be formed & needed a home. So he proposed New Yodel, as he personally knew the no nonsense Police Sergeant there & what a crime free town it was.

“Right Peeler you’re off to Blingtigistan to find out what the devil they’re up to” said an overly enthusiastic Colonel 'pim pim' Blimley.

So that’s how it happened, one minute I was in New Yodel the next thing I was being greeted off the plane on the hot tarmac of Blingtigistan which was a small but well evolved nation which baked lovely bread & exported it all over the world.

“Bun elth hesh il soo hunesh ickma das blif zo bis reminash t’tirlmut oso il soo ormins efer do das blurf, elth hesh utu roff bir dolgon zo bis ulfrap nuti bir wintsh gosh il bir zo bis das blif Blangtigistan”

‘Welcome to Blingtigistan’ said the Blingtigistanian Ambassador as he greeted me.

I was quickly whisked off to my hotel where a reception had been put on in my honour. It was mainly various types of local bread, it was however very delicious & I could see the potential for international trade.

I was conscious of the time & realised that I would have to sneak up to my hotel suite & radio a situation report back to HQ. I made my excuses of jet lag etc & after the Ambassador had finished saying good night an hour later I managed to nip off.

At the bottom of my suitcase was a secret compartment where the radio was hidden, along with several tins of beans which Mrs Peeler had kindly packed just in case the food was a bit dodgy.
I switched on the radio & began my transmission.

“Traveller to Camp Site come in over. Arrived safe, weather hot, over. I received a party invitation in my honour, over. It was wonderful they bake lovely bread which they export all over the world as they have methods of vast production, over”.

Crackle, crackle.

‘beep beep beep‘!

“It’s at radio transmission coming through from Peeler Sir”!

“What does he say private”? Barked Colonel Blimley

“Its very difficult to hear, the signal keeps breaking up. I’m getting ………HOT…crackle…..sounds like……..STARTING INVASION…hiss…..DEAD………ALL OVER THE WORLD…crackle…….WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION….then it went quite Sir”.

“I knew it, right get me a carrier pigeon I need to send an urgent message to First Minister Bloon, this means war”!!!!!!!!!!


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