it's like a dick, only smaller | uptheworkers

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The other day whilst sat at my desk typing away I noticed something in the garden through the window. It was something shining. What was it, a reflection? I couldn’t quite make it out, I leaned forward to get a better look, eyes squinting. Now what is that?

Microwaves are electromagnetic waves with wavelengths longer than those of terahertz (THz) frequencies, but relatively short for radio waves. Microwaves have wavelengths approximately in the range of 30 cm (frequency = 1 GHz) to 1 mm (300 GHz). This range of wavelengths has led many to question the naming convention used for microwaves as the name suggests a micrometer wavelength. However, the boundaries between far infrared light, terahertz radiation, microwaves, and ultra-high-frequency radio waves are fairly arbitrary and are used variously between different fields of study. The term microwave generally refers to "alternating current signals with frequencies between 300 MHz (3×108 Hz) and 300 GHz (3×1011 Hz)."[1] sometimes used by alien invaders to shrink people, blah blah, blah

…….well it was one of them microwave thingy’s. Yes beamed down from an alien craft in orbit 50 miles above my house. & you guessed it, it hit me right between the eyes. Curious? I bet you are. Exited? Au natural.


“What the f**k” I cry out loud.

I begin to shrink. Yes I am suddenly getting SMALLER & smaller. Thank god it was between my eyes & not between my, well you know!
I slip right off my chair & land on the floor of my now enormous kitchen.


Its no use I can’t stop thinking about, well you know. So I do. I quickly sneak a look in my downstairs engine parts. Phew! They are still there, tiny, but in proportion. Although now I have suddenly been shrunk in an unprovoked alien attack I don’t know what use my tiny reproductive parts will be to woman kind. It would be the equivalent of throwing a pebble into the Grand Canyon. Not that I am suggesting that you ladies are like large barren hard rocky gaping caverns in the arse end of America of course.

Suddenly I am pulled from my inquisitive thoughts by a high pitched whirring sound. It’s coming from outside. I look up towards the window. I have to take a step back to get a better view. Damn I am still working in imperial measurements. Feet & inches don’t count. Alright well maybe inches are quite relevant now, but anyway. So I have taken a step back but I am no better off. So I have to turn around & run about a hundred yards. Sorry, sorry inches.
I turn around & look back towards the window, I stand on my tip toes (like it will make a difference now that I am 10 inches tall).

What’s that hovering outside? It’s a glowing metallic spheroid. Making a strange humming sound. Its about the size of a rugby ball. It hover’s away towards the back of the kitchen, I slowly run towards the dining table in order to peer through the patio doors. It comes in to view & begins to descend onto the lawn. It lands & I watch in horror as a door appears in the side of the craft & begins to slowly open. Then a black figure emerges from the opening. It walks down the gang plank carrying what looks like a ray gun of some type, I am not familiar with this particular model. As the alien visitor begins his journey towards my home I start to feel the panic rise from the pit of my stomach. It doesn’t take long to reach my throat now that I am short.

“AAAAHHHHH! The aliens are coming. The aliens are coming”! I bellow. Well it’s more like a squeak to be honest. I run around in circles waving my arms in the air for a moment but this doesn’t help so I stop, a little dizzy.

The bug eyed alien chap is at the patio doors now. He has started to cut through the glass with his laser, thank god for double glazing. Keeps the house warm & slows alien attacks. They should use that line when they are trying to sell it. I hate double glazing salesmen almost as much as taxi drivers, alien invaders & estate agents.

I have been shrunken so that I can be kidnapped & buggered to death by midget alien invaders. Oh the shame. Come to think of it I’ve heard of that before or did I read it in a magazine er oops! Right enough of this drivel lets get back to the nonsense.

I spring into action. I need a weapon, quick. I look around, a knife. that’s it. But I am tiny. I must scale the kitchen units & open a drawer I run towards a unit. I grab hold of a handle & pull myself up one drawer at a time eventually I am holding onto the top drawer handle. I heave. It slides open, but I am dangling below it. With one almighty effort I pull myself up & over the top. The alien is on the second pane of glass now. I reach in & grab hold of something.

A spatula! A f**king spatula.

Where is the corkscrew when you need it. It always the same I can never find that b***ard. No time to mess around, the spatula will have to do. I throw it to the ground & climb back down. He is in the house now.

Hide quick. I pick the spatula up & dart into the gap next to the fridge.

I take a moment to catch my breath. I wonder if it speaks English. A silly thought, I remember someone telling me that English is the hardest language in the world to learn. B***ocks, I say. Whoever said that must have been Chinese. Although we do have a lot of similar words which probably would confuse the average Dutchman such as where were, there their. But hey, they can talk, especially in double dutch. Sounds like someone gargling with a bad cough to me. & what about Gobble de gook? Now I don’t know where it originates from but I have heard it loads of times in my local pub! I did once meet a couple on holiday who were bi-lingual or something, but I could never understand them, always speaking with their mouths full. Anyway enough with the linguistics already, back to the action.

He is getting closer I can smell him. It is a dark & foul smell. Similar to that of a public toilet. Damn that’s not him that’s me.

I peep. He is inches away.

I pounce.


I crack him, full on with my spatula. Right on one of his heads. Down he goes. I give him a second one for good measure.

“Have it”.

It is done, finished, game over.

Suddenly I hear a noise. It is a metallic sound. My heart sinks, was he the first of many. Then footsteps.

The horror.

No wait it is a familiar sound. It’s Mrs Peeler back from shopping. I am safe.
She strides into the kitchen & drops her bags on the floor.
“Hello dear” I croak, exhausted.

“Get up off the floor you dirty little bugger & stop trying to look up my skirt” she hisses lovingly.

Bugger. I am caught again.

I stand up and walk back to my desk & sit down.

“Would you like a cup of tea dear” I offer.

“Pervert” she replies.


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