will robots ever have a sense of humour? | uptheworkers

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

I often wonder how far we are going with technological advancements’. I mean look, we’ve got wheelie bins, stretch jeans, waterproof plasters & pot noodles. Where will it a end. Stretch, waterproof, edible bins that can hover? Ah! But even if we get that far down the road of scientific wonder I bet they still wont be able to empty themselves, not without moaning & scratching their electronic chins.
What prompts this tale is a recent run in I had with a satellite navigation system. If this is not the work of the devil & a coven of mother in laws I don’t know what is.

You see my mother in law has recently bought me a Satellite Navigation thingy for my birthday & naively I thought,

“Ooh that’s nice, thank you very much”, kiss.
Oh how I underestimated the powers of darkness. This small inoffensive looking box is a malevolent beast incarnated from the bowels of hell itself. AND if there is not a spaceship involved somewhere with this wee contraption I will be very surprised. There I am going about my business on a sunny afternoon, off to the football. Which I secretly don’t think ‘you know who’ likes me doing although I have no evidence to the contrary.

“IN 10 METRES TURN LEFT”.

So I did. Then realised that I didn’t want to turn left, so I took the next right.

“TURN LEFT”. I sigh & choose to ignore it.

“LEFT”

It shrieks in what I now think is rapidly becoming a mother in lawesque type of voice. A Shrill whilst gargling with gravel in a dark cavern type sound comes to mind. Is she actually in the car I wonder, the boot perhaps. With a megaphone.

“LEFT” it barks.

“NO” I find myself responding.

Note to self, talking alone (to yourself) in a car is okay, provided: Provided you never look to you left or right. It is at this point you will always find another car full of people staring & laughing at you. Also as I’ve mentioned before the only way to get out of this embarrassing situation is quickly look away (as if you don’t realise you’ve been caught) & start to sing, followed by a little seat dance as if you are listening to the radio. Obviously which method you use depends on what level your embarrassment threshold is at.

For example if you accidentally & suddenly break wind in a room full of strangers I see two potential types of people.

(a) the suddenly ‘go red & apologise’ types. (eyes roll, sigh, fools)

(b) or the ‘say nothing & walk away with a sly grin’ type. (just remember there is now’t down for an early confession)

© I have heard tell of people who will actually put there arms in the air & make a victory fist shouting “Ave it” even in a room full of strangers, but I suspect this is more fiction than fact. Surely nobody is that hard core?

On the odd occasion this happens & there is a terrible smell & you don’t have time to escape, I find raising one eyebrow & staring at the nearest person with a look of disgust across your face followed by a “Tut”! as you walk off helps to divert unwanted attention.

Anyway where was I? Oh yes replying to the demonically possessed Sat Nav.
I pull over & fiddle with its buttons in an attempt to turn it off. That should do it. I indicate & pull away continuing my journey. Periodically casting an eye in its direction. Was that a noise I just heard coming from it. I approach a set of traffic lights at a crossroads & drive straight through.

“LEFT, LEFT, LEFT” it screams, the noise reverberating inside my head. Oh my god, its alive.

‘Keep calm son ‘ I whisper to self. ‘Just keep driving & it will all be okay’.

I accelerate with the notion that if I drive quicker I will get there sooner & this nightmare will end.

“LEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFT”.

“NONONONOWHYAMITALKINGTOYOU” I reply.

Did I just turn left then. No surely not. I definitely drove straight past that junction just like the next one which I fully intend to drive past ignoring the evil wee machine as I turn left into it completely against my wishes.

Did I just do it again. Two left turns on the bounce.

I need to take action to counter act this act of self destructive mutiny. So I immediately take a further left turn in order to come back on myself & continue on my way to the football.
So left I turn. Ha that’s confused it, I think smugly to myself. Aargh! Heavy breaking. I screech to a halt. In front an angry looking large man with big eyes.

“What the f**ck do you think you are doing on my drive”?

Oops I have taken a wrong left.

“Sorry” I offer in reverse.

Back on the street. Now which way. I get my bearings & suddenly realise that I am almost back at my own house. I jump out of the car & run the short distance to my home, I rush in shouting for my wife.

“The cars haunted, the cars haunted”.

“WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT” she bellowed gently.

I hurriedly explain what has just happened & pull her outside in the direction of the haunted motor.
As we fasten our seatbelts I explain how I am going to drive straight up the road passed all the side streets as if I am going to the football & how the demonic Sat Nav is going to tell me to turn left.

Off we set. As we past the first junction I hear,

“LEFT” - the Sat Nav.

“Left”, followed Mrs Peeler.

“What”?! I respond dumfounded. “I don’t want to go left”.

“Stop being awkward & do as the machine says, otherwise you will get us lost”.

“But we live around here. I know where we are - that isn’t the point! The Sat Nav has got a mind of its own, that’s why I wanted you to……….”

“You’ve never liked my mother”.

“…….what”!?

“Take me home”.

“LEFT” squawked the evil machine as we approached a cross roads.

We arrive home. I stop. The door slams quietly as Mrs Peeler exits.

“BURKE” barks the Sat Nav.

Pull, Rip, Open, Drop, Stamp & Smash.

“Hah” responds I.

I walk towards the house almost sure I heard a chuckle coming from the boot of the car.

'Now where did I put that hosepipe'?.......

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