stop it... you'll go blind | uptheworkers

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

“Be good boys” said Father Macafferty “or you’ll eeend up in heel & before d' heel comes d' prison“.

Father Macafferty new a lot of things about hell, prison & the devil.

“Discoootecks are de Divils Tambourines & Neeked Flesh is de Divils Bread”, he would shriek on a tuesday morning in class.

Being twelve, I had never been inside a discotheque or seen a woman naked, not for the lack of trying I might add. I imagined doing them both together would be really good but eternally damning at the same time, like an icecream headache.

Oh god. I don’t think I could bear the pressure, just the thought of growing up & being invited to the naked disco after work was enough to make me put an extra jumper on.
What about all the people who went on those naturist camp sites that I had read about in dads purely educational magazines. Would they all be condemned to hell if they had a dance in the camp bar?

Topless sunbathing, surely that must mean a good stint in purgatory, such a shame!

No more John Travolta movies for me & by Father Macafferty‘s logic, disco John‘s going to need some flameproof underpants. Would the same apply to Olivia? Okay so it was a different movie but on the down side they did dance quite close together …..but on the other hand they weren’t in a disco in Grease & she definitely wasn’t naked, unfortunately? In fact disco’s hadn’t been invented then, so does that mean hell is only post Gloria Gaynor? Pre Punk even!

I’d heard the stories about hell & prison of course. No one ever leaves alive. You will need eyes in the back of your head.

I contemplate having eyes in the back of my head & wonder whether they will be instead of the ones in the front or as well as. I wouldn’t fancy having the front ones removed, that said I also wouldn’t relish the thought of having to learn to close the back set whilst walking forward & vice versa.

Now it seems to me that there are pro’s & con’s of having four perfectly functioning eyeballs.


An end to being stabbed in the back.
Being very clever at playing “hide & seek”.
Not having to look over your shoulder when reversing your car. (unless you have a big fancy car with big fancy head rests)
Going to the cinema, watching the movie & being able to look up the skirt of the girl behind.
Able to visit an Art Gallery twice as fast as everyone else.


Never knowing whether you are coming or going.
Getting woken up by daylight even when you sleep face down.
Every time you look up means being able to see your own bum. (think about it)
Really having to concentrate hard to wink.
Problems deciding on which car to buy.
(“No sorry I do not wish to purchase that car, it is far too fancy & I have eyes in the back of my head”.)
Going to the cinema, looking up the skirt of the girl sat behind & being distracted by the movie.
Spending twice as much on sunglasses.
Having to have a fringe cut at the back of your head.

It would appear that the con’s outweigh the pro’s. So as I wasn’t ever going to get eyes in the back of my head I had to grow up avoiding disco’s & naked girls.

I remember one occasion being in a pub with my friend Larry. He said to me “You see those two gorgeous girls over there. They have being giving us the glad eye all night. If they come over just be cool & act natural”

“Okay” I eagerly responded not wishing to let the team down.

……& that’s when it happened. The most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on & her equally attractive friend, walked across the room as all heads turned, straight towards a salivating Larry & myself. Never again would we get the opportunity to meet such gorgeous girls as these.

“Would you like to dance” said the stunning creature.

The horror.

“F**k off you brazen hoor, you‘ll not tempt me through the gates of hell you disco dancing jezebel” I retorted proud in the knowledge that I had just saved my soul from the stain of eternal sin.

It was just a shame that the same couldn’t be said for my now wine coloured shirt.

“Could someone phone an ambulance…..” shouted the barmaid, “…….Larry’s just fainted”.


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