in the future i will have curly hair & be able to sing opera | uptheworkers

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Cupboards are useful. They may look boring but they are in fact just the opposite. Apart from the obvious uses such as storage they make for impromptu hiding places to be used in emergencies.
Case in point when Mrs Peeler is on the war path. (Note to self. Put a lock on the inside of cupboard door & hide the frying pan, resistance is just prolonging the inevitable)

Subsequently I found the hall cupboard very handy when I bought my first time machine. This quirky little device was a little worn but generally in good condition. It looked a bit like a small shower cubicle but without the soap dish.

It was small cupboard size in fact!

“That cupboard looks smaller than I remember” growled the love of my life softly.

“It’s just a little cluttered dear” I squirmed, stuffing my hammer into a pocket of one of the coats hung up inside. Thankful that I had not fainted.

I bought said quirky time machine off a gentleman in the pub after sharing a few jars with him at the bar.

“It will make you wealthy beyond your dreams” he purred as he opened the boot of his Bentley in the car park.

‘Yes! I will be able to learn & understand so much about our history, I will become wise beyond my years’ , I thought to myself whilst breaking wind with excitement or was that the Guinness.
Although I didn’t think he had made the best use of his wisdom as he was driving a large gas guzzler & was wearing a very creased linen suit.

Now this chap must have loved horses. On the first few occasions I used the machine I always landed at one horse track or another. Horse racing is definitely not my bag, but hey each to their own. The other strange thing was, that he had only ever ventured a couple of days into the future, I could never work that out. I mean what is the point of having a machine capable of travelling back through the ages but only ever visiting the middle of next week. On one of my early trips using the pre-programmed coordinates I even appeared in a television studio where they were playing bingo or some such like game with numbered balls. I didn’t hang around long enough to get the gist.

After downloading some intergalactic charts off eBay & fiddling with the control panel I managed to get the hang of it.

I fully intended to see the dinosaurs, watch the Egyptians building pyramids & warn all the wealthy Italians about building with solid foundations. Oh & to tell them to avoid Smokey mountains as well.

This would not be my first experience as a temporal time & space line dancer. I had a few run ins with time travel when I was very young. Indeed I recall my parents buying me my fist Timex watch.

“What is it”? I asked excitedly. “It’s a watch” said mum, “It tells the time”. Fantastic I thought, my first miniature time machine.

I recall the long summer days when all the kids on the street would play out together.

“Be home by eight”, dad would say.

Oh but we had so much fun knocking on the neighbours door & running off, knocking on the neighbours door & running off, knocking on the neighbours door & running off, again & again & again & again &&&&& again. How annoying young children can be. “Are we there yet”? Eight O clock was far to early. Nobody else had to be in by that time.

…….& that’s when it occurred to me. ‘My time machine’. At eight, I wound it back to a quarter too. Then again every fifteen minutes. What a brilliant plan. This was the best present in the whole world.

THUNDER! Or was it? No it definitely wasn’t thunder. No such luck.

All the other kids look towards the heavens. It was in fact my dads voice booming up the street. I nearly fainted, but managed to maintain my balance long enough to run home. ( that was my first experience at travelling at the speed of light )

Now on arriving in the house for a period of less than three seconds I attempted to explain that it was only eight o clock according to my watch. My dad didn’t appear to understand me. I put this down to the time & space diferential, as we were in actual fact, in different time zones. He was in the present I was in the past. His zone looked a lot redder than mine. My father must have understood this & brought me back into the present by utilising a series of equalising strokes to my buttocks. Which apparently hurt him more than me but I could never see how. I must of inherited my time travelling capabilities from dad, as he managed to knock me from the past right into the middle of next week.

I did try to experiment with time travel on occasion whilst at secondary school.

“Peeler you are LATE”!

“But it’s nine o clock Sir”.

“It’s a quarter past”.

“It’s nine sir”

“It’s a quarter past”.

“But my watch says nine”.

I could see that my wonderous feat of folding time had failed to impress Mr Kennedy. & I was later to discover the reason. He like my dear father, was in fact a Time Lord himself. Later that very same day he managed to turn half past three into half past four.

Anyway back to the present. Well would you look at that! Now you're travelling through time as well. Before I decided to visit the ancient past I wanted to nip a short distance into the future just to make sure I was healthy & everything was hunky dorey in the home etc. So off I popped, a year or so into the future.

ZZZZaaaaap, ZZZZZooooosh pop!

I opened the cupboard door & walked into the hallway. I could hear the sound of someone taking a shower upstairs. Sneaky, sneaky up the stairs I went. I peeped into our bedroom, nobody there, good. I can still hear the shower so into the room I creep. I open the door to the en suite ever so slightly & find myself face to face with my own backside. Yes I am in the steamy shower. But to my surprise I have let my hair grow & it is rather curly. I have a good tan as well must have just been on holiday. Well that’s a good sign. My biggest shock however was my voice.

“Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh”

I didn’t realise my voice was so good & I had learnt Italian.

The futures bright, the futures tanned with a firm butt.

Happy with my expedition I decide to retreat back to my own time & smarm around the house for a bit...
....ZZZZaaaaap, ZZZZZooooosh pop! & return.

As I sneak out of my cupboard the door bell goes.

“Get that would you” sings my beloved from the cushion. “It will be the plumber”.

“Ciao” said Mario, the plumber who had come to fix the leaky tap which I had promised to fix.

I pointed Mario in the direction of the leaky tap which I had promised to fix.

“Mario has come to fix the leaky tap which you promised to fix” said Mrs Peeler.

“Cup of tea Mario” I offered whilst attempting to look both manly & to busy for leaky taps.

A few minutes later I took Mario’s tea up to the bathroom. I could hear him singing away to himself. It was a lovely song, Italian I think.

‘Now where had I heard that song before’?


Average Joe (0)
Tall Dark Handsome Continental Types With Loads of Charm (make me sick)

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