11:52 AM
ukir
I often wonder how far we are going with technological advancements’. I mean look, we’ve got wheelie bins, stretch jeans, waterproof plasters & pot noodles. Where will it a end. Stretch, waterproof, edible bins that can hover? Ah! But even if we get that far down the road of scientific wonder I bet they still wont be able to empty themselves, not without moaning & scratching their electronic chins.
What prompts this tale is a recent run in I had with a satellite navigation system. If this is not the work of the devil & a coven of mother in laws I don’t know what is.
You see my mother in law has recently bought me a Satellite Navigation thingy for my birthday & naively I thought,
“Ooh that’s nice, thank you very much”, kiss.
Oh how I underestimated the powers of darkness. This small inoffensive looking box is a malevolent beast incarnated from the bowels of hell itself. AND if there is not a spaceship involved somewhere with this wee contraption I will be very surprised. There I am going about my business on a sunny afternoon, off to the football. Which I secretly don’t think ‘you know who’ likes me doing although I have no evidence to the contrary.
“IN 10 METRES TURN LEFT”.
So I did. Then realised that I didn’t want to turn left, so I took the next right.
“TURN LEFT”. I sigh & choose to ignore it.
“LEFT”
It shrieks in what I now think is rapidly becoming a mother in lawesque type of voice. A Shrill whilst gargling with gravel in a dark cavern type sound comes to mind. Is she actually in the car I wonder, the boot perhaps. With a megaphone.
“LEFT” it barks.
“NO” I find myself responding.
Note to self, talking alone (to yourself) in a car is okay, provided: Provided you never look to you left or right. It is at this point you will always find another car full of people staring & laughing at you. Also as I’ve mentioned before the only way to get out of this embarrassing situation is quickly look away (as if you don’t realise you’ve been caught) & start to sing, followed by a little seat dance as if you are listening to the radio. Obviously which method you use depends on what level your embarrassment threshold is at.
For example if you accidentally & suddenly break wind in a room full of strangers I see two potential types of people.
(a) the suddenly ‘go red & apologise’ types. (eyes roll, sigh, fools)
(b) or the ‘say nothing & walk away with a sly grin’ type. (just remember there is now’t down for an early confession)
© I have heard tell of people who will actually put there arms in the air & make a victory fist shouting “Ave it” even in a room full of strangers, but I suspect this is more fiction than fact. Surely nobody is that hard core?
On the odd occasion this happens & there is a terrible smell & you don’t have time to escape, I find raising one eyebrow & staring at the nearest person with a look of disgust across your face followed by a “Tut”! as you walk off helps to divert unwanted attention.
Anyway where was I? Oh yes replying to the demonically possessed Sat Nav.
I pull over & fiddle with its buttons in an attempt to turn it off. That should do it. I indicate & pull away continuing my journey. Periodically casting an eye in its direction. Was that a noise I just heard coming from it. I approach a set of traffic lights at a crossroads & drive straight through.
“LEFT, LEFT, LEFT” it screams, the noise reverberating inside my head. Oh my god, its alive.
‘Keep calm son ‘ I whisper to self. ‘Just keep driving & it will all be okay’.
I accelerate with the notion that if I drive quicker I will get there sooner & this nightmare will end.
“LEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFT”.
“NONONONOWHYAMITALKINGTOYOU” I reply.
Did I just turn left then. No surely not. I definitely drove straight past that junction just like the next one which I fully intend to drive past ignoring the evil wee machine as I turn left into it completely against my wishes.
Did I just do it again. Two left turns on the bounce.
I need to take action to counter act this act of self destructive mutiny. So I immediately take a further left turn in order to come back on myself & continue on my way to the football.
So left I turn. Ha that’s confused it, I think smugly to myself. Aargh! Heavy breaking. I screech to a halt. In front an angry looking large man with big eyes.
“What the f**ck do you think you are doing on my drive”?
Oops I have taken a wrong left.
“Sorry” I offer in reverse.
Back on the street. Now which way. I get my bearings & suddenly realise that I am almost back at my own house. I jump out of the car & run the short distance to my home, I rush in shouting for my wife.
“The cars haunted, the cars haunted”.
“WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT” she bellowed gently.
I hurriedly explain what has just happened & pull her outside in the direction of the haunted motor.
As we fasten our seatbelts I explain how I am going to drive straight up the road passed all the side streets as if I am going to the football & how the demonic Sat Nav is going to tell me to turn left.
Off we set. As we past the first junction I hear,
“LEFT” - the Sat Nav.
“Left”, followed Mrs Peeler.
“What”?! I respond dumfounded. “I don’t want to go left”.
“Stop being awkward & do as the machine says, otherwise you will get us lost”.
“But we live around here. I know where we are - that isn’t the point! The Sat Nav has got a mind of its own, that’s why I wanted you to……….”
“You’ve never liked my mother”.
“…….what”!?
“Take me home”.
“LEFT” squawked the evil machine as we approached a cross roads.
We arrive home. I stop. The door slams quietly as Mrs Peeler exits.
“BURKE” barks the Sat Nav.
Pull, Rip, Open, Drop, Stamp & Smash.
“Hah” responds I.
I walk towards the house almost sure I heard a chuckle coming from the boot of the car.
'Now where did I put that hosepipe'?.......
What prompts this tale is a recent run in I had with a satellite navigation system. If this is not the work of the devil & a coven of mother in laws I don’t know what is.
You see my mother in law has recently bought me a Satellite Navigation thingy for my birthday & naively I thought,
“Ooh that’s nice, thank you very much”, kiss.
Oh how I underestimated the powers of darkness. This small inoffensive looking box is a malevolent beast incarnated from the bowels of hell itself. AND if there is not a spaceship involved somewhere with this wee contraption I will be very surprised. There I am going about my business on a sunny afternoon, off to the football. Which I secretly don’t think ‘you know who’ likes me doing although I have no evidence to the contrary.
“IN 10 METRES TURN LEFT”.
So I did. Then realised that I didn’t want to turn left, so I took the next right.
“TURN LEFT”. I sigh & choose to ignore it.
“LEFT”
It shrieks in what I now think is rapidly becoming a mother in lawesque type of voice. A Shrill whilst gargling with gravel in a dark cavern type sound comes to mind. Is she actually in the car I wonder, the boot perhaps. With a megaphone.
“LEFT” it barks.
“NO” I find myself responding.
Note to self, talking alone (to yourself) in a car is okay, provided: Provided you never look to you left or right. It is at this point you will always find another car full of people staring & laughing at you. Also as I’ve mentioned before the only way to get out of this embarrassing situation is quickly look away (as if you don’t realise you’ve been caught) & start to sing, followed by a little seat dance as if you are listening to the radio. Obviously which method you use depends on what level your embarrassment threshold is at.
For example if you accidentally & suddenly break wind in a room full of strangers I see two potential types of people.
(a) the suddenly ‘go red & apologise’ types. (eyes roll, sigh, fools)
(b) or the ‘say nothing & walk away with a sly grin’ type. (just remember there is now’t down for an early confession)
© I have heard tell of people who will actually put there arms in the air & make a victory fist shouting “Ave it” even in a room full of strangers, but I suspect this is more fiction than fact. Surely nobody is that hard core?
On the odd occasion this happens & there is a terrible smell & you don’t have time to escape, I find raising one eyebrow & staring at the nearest person with a look of disgust across your face followed by a “Tut”! as you walk off helps to divert unwanted attention.
Anyway where was I? Oh yes replying to the demonically possessed Sat Nav.
I pull over & fiddle with its buttons in an attempt to turn it off. That should do it. I indicate & pull away continuing my journey. Periodically casting an eye in its direction. Was that a noise I just heard coming from it. I approach a set of traffic lights at a crossroads & drive straight through.
“LEFT, LEFT, LEFT” it screams, the noise reverberating inside my head. Oh my god, its alive.
‘Keep calm son ‘ I whisper to self. ‘Just keep driving & it will all be okay’.
I accelerate with the notion that if I drive quicker I will get there sooner & this nightmare will end.
“LEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFT”.
“NONONONOWHYAMITALKINGTOYOU” I reply.
Did I just turn left then. No surely not. I definitely drove straight past that junction just like the next one which I fully intend to drive past ignoring the evil wee machine as I turn left into it completely against my wishes.
Did I just do it again. Two left turns on the bounce.
I need to take action to counter act this act of self destructive mutiny. So I immediately take a further left turn in order to come back on myself & continue on my way to the football.
So left I turn. Ha that’s confused it, I think smugly to myself. Aargh! Heavy breaking. I screech to a halt. In front an angry looking large man with big eyes.
“What the f**ck do you think you are doing on my drive”?
Oops I have taken a wrong left.
“Sorry” I offer in reverse.
Back on the street. Now which way. I get my bearings & suddenly realise that I am almost back at my own house. I jump out of the car & run the short distance to my home, I rush in shouting for my wife.
“The cars haunted, the cars haunted”.
“WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT” she bellowed gently.
I hurriedly explain what has just happened & pull her outside in the direction of the haunted motor.
As we fasten our seatbelts I explain how I am going to drive straight up the road passed all the side streets as if I am going to the football & how the demonic Sat Nav is going to tell me to turn left.
Off we set. As we past the first junction I hear,
“LEFT” - the Sat Nav.
“Left”, followed Mrs Peeler.
“What”?! I respond dumfounded. “I don’t want to go left”.
“Stop being awkward & do as the machine says, otherwise you will get us lost”.
“But we live around here. I know where we are - that isn’t the point! The Sat Nav has got a mind of its own, that’s why I wanted you to……….”
“You’ve never liked my mother”.
“…….what”!?
“Take me home”.
“LEFT” squawked the evil machine as we approached a cross roads.
We arrive home. I stop. The door slams quietly as Mrs Peeler exits.
“BURKE” barks the Sat Nav.
Pull, Rip, Open, Drop, Stamp & Smash.
“Hah” responds I.
I walk towards the house almost sure I heard a chuckle coming from the boot of the car.
'Now where did I put that hosepipe'?.......
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