hairy clowns

Ankles Murphy wasn’t very good with heights. He earned the moniker Ankles after he broke both of his jumping from a ladies bedroom window after nearly getting caught by her soldier husband who had arrived home a little unexpected. Ankles hadn’t actually meant to jump so far but he had gotten so drunk that he thought he was in a bungalow.

It took him six hours to crawl back to his caravan. You see Ankles was a clown with Flopatino’s Travelling Circus. He had grown up in the circus, son of The Great Dangolini a legendary Italian trapeze artist from a long line of Italian trapeze artistes.

“Benda your kneesa boy, when a you land” his dad would shout during training in a strange accent that Ankles could never work out. You see Ankles’ dad was not really from the continent, no he was from Tingland. Northern Tingland to be precise.

“It’s a for a de showbiz” The Great Dangolini would say whenever his young son would enquire about his dads odd vernacular. “But no one is listening except me dad”.

“Pappa, I’m a your pappa. How many a times do I gotta tell ya”.

“But no one is listening except me pappa”.

“Dats notta di pointe sunny shiny, I hava di image to protecta. Ita paya de sponduli. Di circus wantsa di Italiano trapeze act. Di peoples wantsa di Italiano trapeze act. No Italiano, no jobba, capiche”

The Great Dangolini took pride in the fact that he was from a long line of Italian trapeze artists & in fact he was the only Italian in the Circus Flopatino except of course for Mancini the Magnificent who was the larger than life Italian lion tamer from a long line of Italian lion tamers.

Mancini the Magnificent was big in both height & girth, he wore a large black handle bar moustache & a corset to keep his belly in & chest out. Everybody new he wore a moustache because they could see it & everyone new he wore a corset because Mrs Stuppenfeltz the circus costume maker had told everyone except for The Great Dangalini. Mrs Stuppenfeltz was German you see & couldn’t understand fast Italian & every time she tried to speak with Dangalini he appeared to get angry & would speaka very fast in a di strange language and a wava di arms around like hot blooded continentals do. No it was best to avoid conversation with irritable hot heads.

Another person that never spoke with The Great Dangolini was Mancini the Magnificent. When one entered the big top the other would leave. The Great Dangolini had been avoiding Mancini the Magnificent for years. As we have established The Great Dangolini isn’t actually Italian & can’t speak a word of the language. So if he were to maintain the façade of being a legendary Italian trapeze artist Dangolini had to avoid getting caught in conversation with Mancini the Magnificent who spent most of his time taming the already tame lions. I mean lets face it you can only tame a lion once after that it's just petting.

On one occasion he had come very close to having to speak directly with Mancini. Dangolini was just finishing a practice session in the Big Top when Mancini accompanied by his tame lions entered the arena. Mancini looked up & gestured that Dangolini should vacate the ring so that Mancini could himself have a little practice. Not wishing to climb down the ladder & come face to face with Mancini, Dangolini gestured back that he would stay up on the trapeze & watch from above.

Obviously it wasn’t quite as simple as that, there brief & infrequent conversations never were. Mancini gestured up shouting something in fast Italian that Dangolini couldn’t understand & in turn Dangolini gestured down in very fast Italian something that Mancini couldn’t quite hear. Eventually Mancini lost patience & proceeded to tame the already tame lions. The other acts just assumed that the two never got on as they always appeared to shout at each other from distance & gesticulate excitedly towards each other which apparently was quite normal for hot blooded continentals. Rumour had it that it was down to an old family feud which had started back in the old country.

“I sink zey haf bad blood from ze old country” vispered Mrs Stuppenfeltz to Beryl the Bearded Lady von mornink.

This in turn played on Beryl’s mind for the rest of the day almost causing her to accidentally shave off half her moustache as her mind wandered whilst she tried to work out what the two angry Italians were feuding about and where in fact the old country was?

"Phew that was a close shave." said Beryl out loud. 'The Beardless Lady just didn’t have the same ring', she thought as she rinsed off the remainder of the shaving foam. ‘What self respecting man would want to marry an out of work circus performer.’

Dangolini didn’t care whether the lions were tame or not he wasn’t coming down. He didn’t like big lions or big Italian tame lion tamers so he just sat there swinging high in the air. After a few hours Mancini the Magnificent & his tamed lions which were now even tamer than they were before they started, left the ring allowing a now very sore Dangolini to slowly descend. He had never had such a painful derrière. He wondered what the Italian was for a pain in the backside but suspected it was probably very similar to the Tinglish version & involved lots of fast talking & gesticulating.

Ultimately it was their mutual avoidance of each other which lead to them becoming the best of friends. Late one night Dangolini & Ankles were quietly returning to their beds, slowly & quietly tippy toeing past Mancini’s caravan so as not to bump into him, when they heard a long moaning sigh come from within. Curious as to the source Dangolini carefully approached an open window & peeked through a gap in the curtains. To his utter amazement Mancini the Magnificent had just taken off his wig & was removing the corset from around his now expanding waistline.

“That bloody corset was killing me” muttered a relieved Mancini to himself in the broadest Tinglish accent that Dangolini hade ever heard.

“Bugger me” rasped a shocked Dangolini stepping back quickly onto his sons foot causing him to cry out in pain which in turn caused a corsetless tame lion tamer to pop his head out of the window.

“Whatsa all a da noisa” growled Mancini.

“Never mind whatsa the bloody noise” replied Dangolini “You are about as Italian as Pizza Hut”.

So that’s how they became known as the whispering Italians. None of the other acts liked them before because they always appeared to be arguing now they had made up it was even worse they just started to whisper to each other when anyone else came within earshot, so as not to give their shared secret away. Except for Beryl the almost Beardless Lady who was used to people whispering & didn't even notice it anymore.

Ankles put off by all the deception that was involved in flying the high trapeze & the fact that he didn't like heights or couldn't speak fast italian eventually became a clown from a long line of mime artistes, which made for a happy ending for a while at least. Well until Mr Flopatino decided to take the circus on a european tour anyway.

“Oi you two!” shouted Beryl one morning as she walked into the Big Top. “Mr Flopatino’s been looking for you.”

“Whatta da for, pretty liedee” crooned Mancini as he gracefully twisted the end of his handlebar moustache.

“He wants you to give him a hand writing next months posters” blushed Beryl possibly, as she twisted the end of hers with a glint in her eye. Well it might have been a blush, if anyone could have seen her cheeks, obviously.

“Why he can’t do it im selfa?” Joined in Dangolini.

“Because he wants them written in Italian of course, now that your family feud is over Mr Flopatino wants do take us on a tour of the old country”.

“ITALSKI???????” cried the two Russian circus performers in angry russian, both from a very long line of angry Russian circus acts.

Linguistic Acrobatics (1) Hairy Weddings (0)