sharks in a car

I recently saw a movie trailer for a film entitled,

“Snakes on a Plane”.

Once I’d stopped laughing I vowed never to spend good money watching something with such an appalling title. However once it airs on telly I may revise my standpoint, purely out of curiosity.

It led me to thinking what the inevitable sequel would be called,

“Sharks in a car”, sprung to mind. Now I would definitely pay for that.

I consider the theme. A car, full of water (salt water of course), a hero & a large Great White Shark, or two. Depending on the budget & the size of the car, naturally.

The plot. A man sits in his car which is full of water; he is parked on the high street. Perhaps waiting for his wife, who maybe shopping. A large hungry predator is swimming around in the back. The big nasty sharp toothed killer suddenly notices our hero behind the wheel. Just as said shark is about to pounce, our hero senses he is being watched. He turns & realises he is in over his head.

Thinking quickly he places his finger on the electric window control & depresses the button, then stops. Water begins to spill out through the narrow gap at the top of the window.

Shark stops. Shark hesitates. There is an awkward moment. Shark pulls back & sits in the back seat. Hero closes window.

A standoff. Both parties stare not blinking at each other. (I know I know sharks don’t blink, but they don’t usually swim in cars, so wind your neck in)

They both sit staring intensely at each other. Shark feigns a lurch forward. Hero immediately puts finger back over button. Shark pulls away. To & fro, to & fro this dramatic scene plays out. The tension mounts. A close up. (Well there all bloody close ups to be fair).

As their eyes are locked they both become weary, each desperate not to fall asleep first. (I KNOW Sharks don’t sleep, well Snakes don’t have passports so f**k off, it’s MY film).

“SLAP”,

(You jumped! I know you did, the tension became unbearable & you jumped).

A sudden break in the dead lock, as a traffic warden slaps a parking ticket on the windscreen. Shark looks at the ticket momentarily paralysed by its bright yellow appearance. (I know, I know for gods sake, sharks are colour-blind, but how else is the traffic warden gonna get killed if I can’t introduce the bad guy without a bit of poetic licence).

The horror!

A thirty pound ticket. He winds the window down.

“Oi, f**ckaroo. Can’t you see I’m being held hostage by a man eating shark”?

“What……..”

Murmurs the warden, catching a glimpse of something large & menacing on the back seat. No he thinks, no it can’t be, surely not………

He leans forward putting his head through the now almost completely open window. (Slow motion, slow motion, think about it).

A tidal wave comes flooding out of said vehicle. Shark seizes his moment. Hero the same, ducks & quickly opens door.

“SNAP”. Warden’s head gone. Shark & water disappear down the gutter. Our hero removes ticket & looks down at the torso lying on the road, he makes a note of wardens shoulder number He will need it for the letter of complaint he intends to send to the council re the wardens dispassionate attitude. How else will he evade the fine!

Wife returns from shops. Gets in passenger seat.

“The bloody seat’s wet”, she shrieks!

“Feels like I’ve got Slugs in me Knickers”.

Slugs in me Knickers, now that’s a trilogy. Perhaps?

Average Joe (1) Nosey Bastard (0)